Still Painting Flowers for You
by rachhudson
Summary: He doesn't know why he can't let go. Maybe it's because it's always been her. Finn and Rachel in 25 parts, spanning seasons 1 & 2.


**Song lyrics are from "Painting Flowers" by All Time Low.**

* * *

**Still Painting Flowers for You**

"_Strange maze, what is this place?  
I hear voices over my shoulder  
Nothing's making sense at all  
__Tried to open up my eyes;  
__I'm hoping for a chance to make it all right._

_When I wake up, the dream isn't done  
__I want to see your face and know I made it home  
__If nothing is true, what more can I do?  
__I am still painting flowers for you."_**

* * *

**

i.

He comes home from his first glee practice – well his first practice since rejoining anyway – on some sort of singing high, like when he throws a touchdown pass in a game (which rarely happens, but does happen occasionally). He feels the pure energy still left from their inspiring (if he does say so himself) performance of "Don't Stop Believin'" and all he can see in his mind right now is Rachel's megawatt smile and the way she made him feel. Her voice can make angels weep, he's sure of it.

He feels a stirring in his chest that he used to get when he looked at Quinn, and he knows he's in trouble. Quinn's been kind of mean and distant lately but Rachel's just been… nice. He appreciates it. Plus she's kind of hot, in a sneaky sort of way. Sure, she was a little creepy at first but he decides she's just a little over eager.

If he's honest, she's one of the reasons he ultimately decided to stick with glee. Not only does he like the way singing makes him feel, but he especially likes the way singing with _her _makes him feel.

* * *

ii.

Quinn's pregnant.

Quinn's pregnant with his baby.

Holy _shit_.

He doesn't know how this happened, but if Quinn says it's his, it has to be, right? Why would she lie to him? She wouldn't. It's_ Quinn_. She's president of the celibacy club.

He just still can't believe it. He's going to be a father.

_Holy shit._

* * *

iii.

He knows it's wrong to use Rachel, he really does, but he just doesn't know what else to do. He sure as hell isn't going to get a football scholarship, so he knows glee is his only shot. And they only have a shot with Rachel. Who quit. He knows he has to do whatever he can to get her back.

He knows it's wrong to use the crush she has on him to his advantage, but right now, his unborn child is more important than any feelings he might have felt (or may still be feeling) towards Rachel Berry. He takes her bowling and he's having a legitimately good time and then she kisses him. And he kisses back, just for a second, before he pulls away. He feels a spark, and he wonders if she does, too, but he can't be feeling anything because he's with Quinn and she's having his baby and he just can't deal with all of this.

Rachel says she'll come back to glee. He smiles at her, but as soon as she wraps her arms around his neck, his smile fades. He knows he should feel happy, but all he can feel is shame. He's tricked her into coming back to glee. He feels awful. She likes him, she kissed him, he kissed back, but he had ulterior motives.

Why must everything be so complicated? His head hurts from all the thinking.

* * *

iv.

His head hurts even worse the next day. Rachel finds out about his hidden agenda (of course she does), so she slaps him in the middle of the hallway. And he knows he deserves it, so he just apologizes and takes the blow. He knows the kiss they shared was real though, and he tells her. He gets the feeling she doesn't believe him. He doesn't know if she's more upset about the fact that Quinn's pregnant or the fact that he didn't tell her the truth.

Either way, she quits glee, _again_.

Her parting words still ring in his ears.

"_I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble. But my dreams are bigger than that. And they're bigger than you."_

How does he always manage to screw up everything?

* * *

v.

He should have known that Quinn's baby wasn't his. Really, he should have known. How could he have been so _stupid_?

At least Rachel had been kind enough to inform him. He's not dumb enough to think that she did it just out of the kindness of her heart though. He knows she did it with some selfishness involved, that she wants to be something more with him. Right now, he's just too hurt to think about ever putting his heart on the line like that again.

And Puck. God, he just wants to _kill_ him. Sure, he got in a few good punches right after he first found out, but he still just wants him to die. He was supposed to be his _best friend. _Best friends don't sleep with their friend's girlfriends.

He manages to muster the courage to go aid his team at Sectionals, but when he gets home, he just goes up to his room and thinks about everything: About Quinn's lies, Puck's betrayal, and Rachel's selfishness. And he literally doesn't know what to do. Part of him just wants to cry until he can't cry anymore, and another part of him wants to call Rachel and see if she can come over.

He wants to be alone, but at the same time, he doesn't.

He picks up his phone and scans through his contacts. He stops at Quinn's name, highlighted on the screen. He hesitates, then deletes it: Her name, her number, her picture, everything. He meant it, what he screamed at her in the choir room. He's done with her. She's hurt him too much.

He stops on Rachel's name. He pauses for a few seconds. Should he call her? _Yes no yes no yes no_.

His mom calls down the hallway, saying dinner's ready.

He abandons his phone on the bed.

* * *

vi.

Rachel comes to his house three days later. He doesn't know how she knows where he lives, but he doesn't ask, either. He and his mom were planning on watching _How the Grinch Stole Christmas _(the Jim Carrey version – it's a yearly tradition in their house), but Carole tells him they can postpone it until the next night.

Finn shows Rachel to his room. She sits down tentatively at his desk chair, leaving him to perch awkwardly on the edge of his bed.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," she says, her eyes never leaving his face. "Since… well, since sectionals."

He shrugs. "Just trying not to think about it, to be honest." He feels the tears welling up in his eyes and he feels so ashamed of them. He won't cry in front of Rachel, he won't cry, he won't, he _won't_.

"It's awful, what they did to you," she whispers. "I am so sorry. But I think they are, too. I mean, Quinn seemed very repentant when I talked to her, and I don't really think she deliberately set out to hurt you—"

"It doesn't matter if she meant to hurt me or not!" She looks at him, startled by his sudden outburst. Honestly, he's startled too, but he can't stop yelling. All of his anger, all of his frustration, is suddenly flowing out of him, and he can't stop it. "The point is she _did_, and it was a crappy thing to do. And it's not just the fact that she slept with my best friend. It's also the fact that she led me to believe that the baby was _mine_. That I was going to be a _father_. What gave her the right to screw up my life like that?"

She stands up and walks the short distance across his room to sit on the bed next to him. She looks like she wants to say something, but he's not done yet. He's held everything inside for far too long.

"And Puck! He was supposed to be my _best friend_. And he slept with my girlfriend. And got her _pregnant_. And, on top of all that, he also kept the truth from me. That's just – that's just _shitty_. And all I want to do is punch him, right in the face, every time I look at him. I'm just so _pissed_, at both of them, but mostly at Puck. So fuck him. And fuck her, too. Oh, wait, he already _did_. That's why I'm in all this pain right now."

The tears are rolling down his cheeks now, and he can't stop them.

"Oh, Finn," Rachel says softly. She wraps her arms around him, cradling his head, hugging him to her. He leans into her, sobbing like he hasn't ever sobbed before. "I hate what they did to you. You shouldn't have to go through this pain."

He cries into Rachel's sweater, and he thinks that maybe he could do this, be with Rachel. She legitimately cares about him, he knows. She would never deliberately hurt him. And she gets him, like really gets him.

But what would everyone else think? The guys on the football team? The Cheerios? Would he move down to the bottom of the high school social pyramid for being seen in public with her? He already gets crap about being in glee from a lot of the guys on the football team. Imagine what would happen if he started dating the queen of the gleeks.

He pushes all of this out of his mind. He doesn't have room for anything else besides the pain left by Quinn and Puck and Babygate, and being here with Rachel right now seems nice, so he just focuses on not dampening her sweater with his tears.

* * *

vii.

He doesn't even realize he and Rachel are apparently dating until the day before school starts back up again. She calls him that night.

"So what time are you picking me up tomorrow, Finn?"

He wrinkles his brow in confusion. "I'm picking you up tomorrow?"

She sighs on the other end. "Of course! Now that we're a couple, I figured you'd drive me to school, unless you'd rather me take the bus…"

He's still confused. Was there a conversation he missed? "We're… a couple?"

"Well… yeah. I mean, we've hung out all break. And we kissed, several times. I just figured that made us… more. Was I wrong?" Her voice wobbles, and he thinks she's probably on the brink of tears, and while Rachel may be able to handle crying teenage boys, he can't handle crying teenage girls.

"No, no, of course you're not wrong, Rach. I just… wasn't sure that was what you wanted." He knows he's lying (because it's very obvious it's what she wants), and he feels bad for it. He doesn't want to say he isn't sure if it's what _he _wants.

"Oh, yes, Finn, I'm very happy with us becoming a couple."

He tries to feel happy about this instead of the expanding feeling of dread that's filling his chest. "Yeah, me too."

"Great! So is 7:45 okay? For tomorrow?"

He sighs. "Sounds perfect."

* * *

viii.

Two weeks later, he is exhausted. Being Rachel Berry's boyfriend is way more difficult than he would have ever imagined. She's made them these synchronized date calendars with their faces on cat's bodies and honestly, it's freaking him out a little. She comes to _all _of his basketball games, jumping up and down and pointing him out earnestly to the stranger next to her, saying, _"That's my boyfriend!" _One time, she even wears a homemade shirt bearing the words TEAM FINN. He wants to die of embarrassment.

He doesn't think he can take much more, honestly.

After a chat with Mr. Schue, he decides he has to end things with Rachel. Mr. Schue said some interesting stuff about "finding your inner rockstar," and Finn knows he wants to find out who _he _is, without Rachel and her craziness weighing him down. Plus Santana and Brittany approach him about some sort of triple date that sounds _really _appealing, so he knows he has to somehow break up with Rachel without crushing her spirit completely.

She finds him after his first class of the day and walks with him down the hallway. He knows it's now or never, so he just pulls her off to the side and says it. "Look, Rachel… I don't think I wanna be your boyfriend…"

She looks at him in disbelief. "Wh-what?"

He spouts off the personal epiphany he had, saying he just needs to find out who he is. Rachel, like usual, manages to see right through him.

"I'll tell you who you are," she says, and he's scared to see tears starting to form in her eyes. "You're a scared little boy. You're afraid of dating me because you think it might hurt your reputation, though which you'd never admit it, is very important to you. You hate what Quinn did to you not just because it hurt but also because it was so _humiliating_." She's in his head right now. How is she in his head right now? Can she read minds? She must be able to read minds.

"You're freaking me out. It's like you're inside my head right now." He just wants to know how she's _doing _it, how she knows him so well.

She ignores him, plowing on. He can tell she doesn't want to cry in front of him, but that she wants to be heard. "I just see you for who you are. Unlike you, who can only see me as this silly girl who made a fool out of herself in her first glee club rehearsal. And that's where you lose, Finn." He wishes she'd look away, just for a moment. He feels small under her gaze. "Because if you would take a second look at me, you'd realize that I'm the _only _person in your life who _knows _you, and accepts you for who you are." She takes in a shaky breath, clutching her books even more tightly against her chest. "No matter what."

Then she turns and walks away, and he can tell the by the way her shoulders crumple that she's crying.

He stands there, feeling crappier than ever. He thought he would at least feel relief after breaking up with her, but he just feels as bad as he did before.

* * *

ix.

He realizes (too late) that he really does have feelings for Rachel. And that he should have never broken up with her. He tells her this, his epiphany (the only one that really matters, anyway) and then she says she's found someone else, someone who will appreciate her (and her talent, of course).

He wants to tell her that he appreciates her, but she keeps talking.

"_Move on, Finn. I finally have."_

He wonders if this is what it's like to feel your heart break, and not because your best friend fucked your girlfriend, not because your girlfriend lied to you about her baby, not because you were screwed over. He thinks that, in a way, this heartbreak is so much worse, because he knows it's all his fault.

* * *

x.

The second he sees Jesse St. James for the first time, he decides he hates his guts. Not only does he get to be with Rachel, he clearly doesn't deserve her. And he's only going to break her heart; he can see it in his eyes. He doesn't give a damn, not the way that Finn does.

He starts calling him different things in his mind, names that are more suitable to him: Jesse St. _Asswipe, _Jesse St. _Jackass_, Jesse St. _Dickwad_. He knows he's not just bitter because Jesse's with Rachel; even if he didn't have the girl Finn wanted, he would manage to rub Finn the wrong way. Now that Jesse St. _Fuckface _(one of his favorite renames) is at McKinley, the days of Finn and Rachel singing lead will be long gone. If they want to win Regionals (and not the battle for Rachel Berry's heart) they'll just be dumb if they _don't _give Finn's solos to Jesse. So he resigns to the inevitable.

Jesse St. James is taking over everything he loves in his life, and there's nothing he can do about it.

With his luck, Jesse's probably some sort of fucking football prodigy as well, but that season is well over and Jesse is a senior, so Finn won't have to worry about that.

He wonders if Jesse knows how special Rachel is and if he treats her the way she deserves to be treated – like a princess. He probably doesn't.

With a pang of guilt, Finn realizes he never treated Rachel that way, either. If, by some miracle, he gets a second chance with her, he vows to treat her the way she's always deserved to be treated. She's worth it. He just has to make her see that he can be her knight in shining armor, if she gives him a chance.

* * *

xi.

He sleeps with Santana. And he feels _awful_. It's not at all like how he expected his first time to be – it's embarrassing and awkward and just plain _lousy_. It only lasts for about thirty seconds. And, afterwards, he doesn't feel anything. Nothing. Just emptiness.

And he feels guilty. He should have waited for Rachel. She may be having sex with Jesse, but he should have waited for her. That's what a true knight in shining armor would have done: waited for her, no matter what. God, he sucks. He just keeps failing her, over and over again.

Maybe if he pretends it never happened, she'll never know. And he can pretend he deserves her.

But it's no use. He knows he doesn't, and he never will.

* * *

xii.

Rachel loses her voice, and she's pretty much hysterical. Finn knows she's truly freaking out because she asks him – _him_ – to take her to the doctor. He knows she's scared shitless, but he has this unforgivable excitement in his stomach. _Take that, St. Jackass. _

He takes his chance when she's in the exam chair after talking to the doctor. She still looks nervous at the prospect of possible surgery and asks, her voice small, "What do you think I should do?"

He sighs. "Maybe you should ask your boyfriend? Oh, _wait_. You can't. He's not here."

"He's in San Diego on spring break with his friends from Vocal Adrenaline," she snaps.

He swings around in the swiveling chair to face her and just says it, what he's been dying to say for weeks now. "When are you going to see that he's just not into you like I am? You think he's gonna stick around if you can't sing? If you're a vocal cripple?"

That flash in her eyes, the fear, is all he needs to see. She's thought of it, too. That gives him a little hope. But then she says, "Look, I know that you've always been jealous of Jesse. And even though he and I haven't spoken since the whole 'Run Joey Run' debacle, you just have to accept the fact that I still care about him deeply. And I know he still feels the same way about me."

She leaves to go get dressed behind the curtain, and, watching her silhouette, Finn knows that he needs to up his game.

"_You know I wish that I had Jesse's girl…" _

* * *

xiii.

Finn forgets his history book in his locker and has to double back to get it, because his mom is making him bring it home to study for the test he has coming up. (Last time he makes the mistake of telling his mom he has a test). He's turning the corner, getting ready to pass the main entrance, when he sees her, sitting on the steps just outside, covered in… are those _egg yolks_?

"Rachel," he breathes, and, forgetting all about his history book, he pushes open the glass doors. He sits down beside her, delicately. She's crying, tears mixing in with the yolk that stains her cheeks.

"Rach?" he says quietly. She keeps crying.

He tries again. "Who… who _did _this to you?"

She looks at him, from underneath the yolk in her usually silky smooth hair, and says, her voice quivering, "V-Vocal Adrenaline. A-a-and J-Jesse."

He could kill that kid, he really could. Jesse _knew _Rachel was a vegan, knew that _egging _her would hurt her the most. He wraps an arm around Rachel's shoulders, hugging her to his side.

"I'll get you all yolky," she whispers.

"I don't care," he tells her, and he doesn't. He likes being able to be here for her, no matter what.

She sniffs. "You were right, Finn. He was j-just using me, all along."

He sighs. "I hate that he did this to you," he says. "And I'm going to make up for what he did. It's kind of my fault you were even with him, really."

"Finn—"

"No, it was. And I plan on making it up to you, Rach. I promise. Just give me a chance, and I'll prove to you that I can be your knight in shining armor. I know I screwed it up the first time, but this time, I know I can make you proud."

She doesn't say anything, just looks at him. After a few seconds, she says, her voice still small and wounded, "Do you mind helping me get some of the yolk out of my hair?"

He smiles at her. "C'mon, let's go."

He stands up, then helps her up, and they walk through the glass doors together.

* * *

xiv.

She kisses him on the stairway.

_She _kisses _him_. He's in the middle of talking, and she just leans over and kisses him. And it's _awesome_.

He looks at her, and she smiles, a smile he's beginning to suspect is just for him.

"What was that for?" he asks.

She smiles a little wider. "What you were saying just now, about Regionals, made me realize that you were right, in more ways than one, Finn. You really are my knight in shining armor. And we can totally win at Regionals."

He smiles just as brightly back at her. "Should we go tell Mr. Schue? I mean, the part about us taking Regionals, not the part about me being your knight in shining armor, even though that was kind of my favorite part of everything you just said—"

She cuts him off by pressing her lips to his once more.

* * *

xv.

He sees her standing across the hallway, and even though they're literally going on at any second, he has to wish her luck at least.

She sees him coming and takes a few steps toward him as well. "Break a leg."

"I love you." The words tumble out of his mouth, words he didn't even know he was going to say.

He quickly turns and goes back to his place, cursing himself internally for being so dumb and saying those three words. He knows they're true, but he's sure he's probably scared her away. And what would compel him to say that right before they're about to perform, anyway?

He looks back over at her and sees that she's looking at him as well. And she's smiling.

Maybe he isn't such an idiot after all. Maybe, for once, he said just the right thing.

He smiles back at her. Then he hears his cue and steps through the door.

"_Highway run, into the midnight sun. Wheels go round and round, you're on my mind…_"

* * *

xvi.

They lose. After everything, the best performance they've _ever _given, they still aren't good enough to beat Vocal Adrenaline. And, worse, they come in last place.

Finn would feel awful if it weren't for the feel of Rachel's hand in his. They sit next to each other on the bus ride home, and the bus is unusually quiet. Tina is crying silently in the seat behind them, Artie's dad drove him home, Puck and Quinn are at the hospital, and so are Mercedes and Kurt. Santana and Brittany are just staring blankly out the window, and even good-spirited Matt and Mike are listening to their iPods silently.

After minutes of silence, Rachel speaks, her voice low. "Did you really mean what you said, before we performed?" she asks, still staring straight ahead at the back of Mr. Schue's curly mop of hair.

He looks at her. He knows she has reason to doubt him, but he still wishes she wouldn't. "Yeah, of course."

She looks up at him, and she's smiling again. He wishes she would always smile like that. It's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

"Good. Because I love you, too."

He knows that everyone else is sad, that he should be heartbroken about their loss, but Rachel just told him that she loves him, and he can really only feel pure joy right now. And since everyone else is so distracted, he figures they won't notice if he kisses her right now. So he does.

She's still smiling when they break apart, and she looks down at their entwined hands.

"You know what I want?" he asks.

She looks at him again. "Glee to have another year?"

Maybe he'll feel the pain of the loss sooner than he thought. "Well, besides that."

She shakes her head.

"To be able to kiss you whenever I want. And to put dates on that crazy cat calendar of yours. And to go bowling, this time with no lies and no secrets. I wanna be your boyfriend, Rachel. Like, for real this time. I'm sorry I sucked at it the first time, but I really want to be with you."

Her eyes are shining with tears, and he really hopes they're happy ones. "I'd love that, Finn," she says.

He grins. "Good," he says, and then he kisses her again.

* * *

xvii.

They spend every day of their summer together, and Finn wouldn't have it any other way. He still has to work at Sheets'N'Things until halfway through June, but Rachel visits him on his lunch break every day, bringing some sort of homemade good. (He especially likes it when she brings her sugar cookies or her banana bread).

After he can finally quit, they fall into a routine. Rachel comes over to his house or he goes over to hers and they listen to music or watch a movie or make out or (sometimes) all of the above. They take some fieldtrips as well, to the zoo or the mall or Breadstix. She doesn't even tell him about the soul of the poor cow who was murdered to make his hamburger, which he appreciates.

In July, she goes to New York for a week with her dads, and he swears it's the longest week of his life. She texts him all the time and sends him these cool pictures of the Statue of Liberty and Times Square, but it's still not the same as her actually being here.

She finally comes back home and then they fall into their routine again. In August though, as school approaches, he can tell she's becoming anxious. He asks her about it one night when they're sitting on Finn's front porch.

"It's just… what if everything changes once school starts?" she asks. "What if _we _change?"

"That's not gonna happen, Rach," he says.

"You can't know that," she whispers. "I just… I don't wanna lose you, Finn."

"_Hey_," he says, taking her hands in his own. "You won't. I love you, Rachel. Nothing's going to change that."

"I'm still going to be unpopular," she points out. "Dating me won't help your reputation."

"That doesn't matter," he says. She looks at him doubtfully. "It _doesn't_," he insists. "Not anymore."

She smiles at him, but he notices she doesn't look totally convinced.

* * *

xviii.

Football or Rachel. God, how can she make him choose?

It's kind of a Rachel thing to do, he knows. He's really surprised she didn't bring this up sooner. He hopes this whole thing blows over, but he can't help but think of what he'll do if it doesn't.

He does love football. He loves being the quarterback and he loves being the leader of the team, the one all (well, most) of the guys look up to. He's a role model.

But he also loves Rachel, a lot. More than he ever thought he could love someone. He loves everything about her, really, even her selfishness (which she _is _working on, this situation aside). But he also loves the way she makes him feel.

Suddenly, he knows what his choice will be, if it really comes down to an ultimatum. He probably won't continue with football after high school anyway. But Rachel… she's forever.

He'd pick Rachel over football.

If Puck ever finds out about this, he'd call him a pussy for sure.

Finn doesn't even think he'd care.

* * *

xix.

Rachel's really excited about doing Rocky Horror. She has this light in her eyes and keeps saying how, finally, it's the _perfect _opportunity to show off her acting chops and that with Finn as her male lead, she'll be sure to finally get the recognition she deserves.

Honestly, Finn's just really nervous about doing a scene in his underwear.

He confides in Rachel, and he really hopes she doesn't think he's a lame loser. "I know I'm a big athlete and it's not manly or anything, but… I'm kinda insecure about how I look."

She's actually really cool about it. "Come on, you just, you know, you have a different body type," she says. "I don't look like Brittany or Santana, but you still think I'm hot, right?"

He thinks she's beautiful, absolutely stunning. Screw Brittany and Santana; they've got _nothing _on Rachel. "Yeah, of course."

She plays with the zipper on his jacket. "So you're just going to have to trust me that you're the hottest guy in school. Okay?" She smiles at him. "C'mere."

As she hugs him, he realizes that he really is lucky to have Rachel. Even if he _does _end up looking like the Pillsbury doughboy on stage, he knows Rachel'll still stick around. She thinks he's hot, no matter what.

She's back to describing the show again, but he's not really listening. All he can think about is that she'll have to be in her underwear, too. Maybe this show won't be so bad, after all.

* * *

xx.

They're making out on her bed when she suddenly pulls away.

"What?" he asks. "Did I do something? I swear, I didn't mean to grab your ass – it just _happened—_"

"No, it's not that," she says. She averts her gaze. "It's just… Do you think of the Beiste when we make out, like the other guys? Because I don't know if I'm cool with that…"

"Wh-NO!" he says, quickly. He cups her cheek and turns her face so she's looking at him. "I mean, I may have told Sam to do that when things get a little too… heated, but I don't… I mean, I have other ways of – of cooling down."

Her gaze is inquisitive. "Like?"

"Uh, well… When my mom was first teaching me how to drive, I uh, I may have hit a mailman." She gasps, and he cringes. "And he may have totaled my windshield.

"_Finn!_"

"He was fine, though, just a little bruised, that's all!"

She looks like she's torn between amusement and horror. "So… when you get a little too… _excited_… You…"

"Think of the mailman," he finishes. "And it works, Rach. … Well, most of the time"

Realization washes over her. "That day last year, in the auditorium, with the picnic and the cosmos… Did you…?"

He feels himself blush. "Well… yeah. I mean, I really didn't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but the mailman wasn't cutting it. You just have that effect on me, Rach."

She grins. "Really?"

"Really, really."

She pulls his head back down to her level, mashing their mouths together once more.

* * *

xxi.

Santana tells her in the middle of glee. Finn should have seen it coming. No, he should have told her before Santana had the chance.

She won't even look at him, and he just wants everything to be okay between them. Finally, after sectionals, she forgives him. He feels nothing but relief.

But then she tells him what she did, while they were fighting, and he can't breathe. She wasn't supposed to do this to him. She was supposed to be _better_ than this. All he can do is walk away, because right now, it just breaks his heart to look at her. He can't be with her right now, not like this.

"You said you'd _never _break up with me!"

Her words ring down the hallway. He turns around to look at her, her face scrunched up with the tears she doesn't want to let herself cry. Part of him wants to go to her and to hug her and say that they'll be alright, but he knows they won't be. All he can see when he looks at her right now is her and Puck, their lips glued together, and it just hurts. It's like Quinn all over again.

"I never thought you'd make me feel like this."

He walks away, and it might be the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

* * *

xxii.

He can't just forgive her and get back together with her. It's not that simple. She hurt him, and the worst part is she _knew _she was hurting him.

At first, she texts him almost every hour with a seemingly heartfelt apology, but after he abandons her at the Christmas tree farm, she stops.

He knows he should be super pumped because it's Christmas and everything, but he just can't get in the spirit this year. It hurts too much. He and Rachel had so many plans, and now none of them are going to happen. He misses her, but he still can't look at her without feeling the pain of her betrayal in his chest.

He mopes around the house all of break. Finally, Kurt sits him down to "have a friendly chat." Finn knows that Kurt's not just going to make small talk with him.

"Look, Finn, I know you feel you can't forgive Rachel for what she did, and what she did was pretty bad. She herself will admit that – and she has, several times."

"Wait – when do you talk to Rachel?"

"Oh every now and then. … Actually, we talk a lot more now. She's not nearly as annoying now that I don't go to school with her and have to deal with her presence constantly… But, anyways, that's not the point. The point is this: You miss her, Finn. And I know she misses you. Now what she did was _awful_, but don't you think she deserves a second chance?"

He shakes his head. "I can't, Kurt. She broke my heart. And it's not that simple."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "Who says it's not? Look – how many times did you break Rachel's heart? Almost daily, it seems. You used her shamelessly when you found out Quinn was pregnant, dumped her for a date with Brittany and Santana, and then slept with Santana and proceeded to hide the fact from Rachel for seven months. _Seven._ I'm not saying she's innocent; I'm just saying you aren't innocent, either. She forgave you each and every time, Finn. She made one mistake, and you're going to throw everything you guys have away."

He looks up at the ceiling. "Yeah, well, when you say it all like that, it makes me sound like a jackass. But _I'm _not the bad guy here. Can't you see that?"

"Look," Kurt says, sighing. "Maybe there _is _no bad guy. Maybe you're both just human, people who make mistakes." He gets up, smoothing his hair over. "Just think about, okay? Now if you'd excuse me, I'm going to the movies with Blaine and Mercedes."

Kurt shuts the door behind him, leaving Finn alone with his thoughts. Maybe Kurt's right. Maybe it's time for him to forgive Rachel. He did screw up, too. He drove her to Puck. They never _talked _about the Santana thing. And their therapy session with Ms. Pillsbury (Mrs. Howell?) failed epically. He should have tried harder to get her to see, should've told her that it didn't mean anything. (Did he ever tell her it didn't mean anything – that he wished it were her? He doesn't think he did.)

Now he has to not only figure out how to tell Rachel that he forgives her, but he has to get her to forgive him as well.

* * *

xxiii.

Second semester kicks Finn's ass. He'd heard that junior year was the hardest, and they weren't kidding. He has homework on top of homework, and somehow he also has to balance that with basketball season and glee and making up with Rachel (which he keeps putting off, because every time he sees her, she won't look at him or she leaves the room quickly) he really doesn't have time anymore.

Rachel's also changed as well, and Finn doesn't think it's for the better. She never volunteers for solos anymore, she keeps her opinions to herself, and she's stopped wearing her animal sweaters and short skirts, opting instead for plain colored t-shirts and jeans. He wants the old Rachel back, but he doesn't know what to say to her. He can't just tell her he wants her back; he needs to earn back the right to have her as his girlfriend. She deserves at least that much.

He does fix things with Puck, though. He tells him that as long as he doesn't try anything with Rachel _ever _again, they'll be cool. Puck grins and promises. "Besides," he says, "I'm kind of trying to sway Quinn back over to the dark side."

"Yeah, good luck with that," Finn says. Then he pauses. "Hey. Can we make a deal?"

Puck looks hesitant. "Uh. Sure?"

"I'll help you win Quinn back if you… if you help me get Rachel back. Aren't you singing a duet with her this week?"

"Yeah, but…" Puck looks at him incredulously. "You know you'd just have to say the word and Berry would jump back into your arms, right?"

"That might be true, but I wanna do this right. I need to win her back. I always thought that I could be her knight in shining armor, but knights usually don't fuck up this much. So I have to do things the right way, otherwise I'll be no better than St. Jackass."

Puck laughs. "God, you're such a pussy sometimes."

Finn glares at him. "Do we have a deal or not, Puckerman?"

Puck grins. "You've got yourself a deal, Hudson."

* * *

xxiv.

He's already waiting in the auditorium when Rachel shows up. She sees him and her eyes widen with surprise.

"Oh," she says, beginning to back away. "Sorry. I thought I was supposed to meet Puck here to rehearse, but maybe he said the choir room, I'll just go check…"

"Puck's not coming, Rachel," he says. She looks at him in confusion.

"He's not?"

Finn shakes his head. "I needed to talk to you. About everything. About us. I'm sorry, Rach."

She's still confused. "For what?"

He takes a deep breath and takes a few steps toward her, hands in his pockets. "You deserve _so _much better." She starts to interrupt, so he holds up his hand. "Please, just let me finish, Rach. I'm sorry that I broke your heart, all those times. I mean, I was an ass. I still can be an ass. I slept with Santana, and I lied to you about it, and, yeah, we should've talked about it. Like, for real. I should've made you listen and told you how I felt awful afterward and how it didn't matter because it wasn't _you_. But I didn't, and I should've, and I'm sorry. And even though I was a total dick about it, and about other stuff in the past, like Quinn and Jesse and the Brittany and Santana thing, you forgave me every time. And, yeah, you probably shouldn't have made out with Puck. That was low. But I still shouldn't have just… thrown you away. I regret that, you know. I know you screwed up on that one, but I screwed up, too. And we didn't get that first Christmas together, which sucks."

He knows he's kind of rambling now, so he tries to wrap it up. "Look, Rachel," he says, closing the distance between them and gently grabbing her hands. "I miss you. And I love you. But, most importantly, I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me a while to see that I'm not innocent here, either. And I know it'll take a while for things to the trust between us to be fully restored. But I'm willing to wait. Because, you and me? We're the real deal. This is forever for me, Rachel. I want to be with you, but only if you forgive me as well. I mean, I understand if you won't, but I really—"

He's cut off when she throws her arms around him and smashes her lips against his. He tastes her strawberry chapstick and knows that everything will be okay. Maybe it won't be completely better until next month or next school year, but that's okay. He just wants to move forward, with Rachel by his side.

* * *

xxv.

Kurt throws a party to introduce his Dalton friends to his McKinley friends, so that's where Finn finds himself on a Friday night. He and Rachel have officially been back together for two weeks, and they're working through their issues. Last weekend, he stayed on the phone with her for five hours (his mom is probably going to kill him when she gets the bill) while they discussed the whole Santana debacle. He really gets why she was so hurt now (apparently she thought he picked Santana specifically because she was everything Rachel wasn't, including the meanest bitch in town). There had been a few tears, but they were getting there.

"Okay, okay!" Kurt announces over the voices of his guests. "The karaoke contest will begin in five minutes, people! So start thinking of who you want to sing with, and decide what song you'd like. The songbook—" he holds up a large 2-inch binder filled with laminated sheets of paper "—is up here if you want to take a look."

Finn turns to look at Rachel, who is sitting on the couch beside him, glass of punch in hand. "Do you wanna sing a song, babe?" he asks, grinning.

She grins back. "Do you even have to ask?"

He laughs. "I know just which one we'll do," he says, grabbing her hand and leading her over to their living room television.

"We'll go first," Rachel informs Kurt, and Kurt shrugs, knowing there's no use in arguing with her. Finn tells Kurt the song, and Kurt gives him a little half-smile.

The song begins to play and Rachel looks at him, looking happier than he's seen her in months. He takes her hand, then begins to sing, not looking at the words but at her face instead.

"_Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train goin' anywhere…"_

Rachel opens her mouth and the words flow out (perfect pitch, as usual) and Finn feels his heart swell the way it always does when she sings. He knows now that it's love that makes it do this, that it's been love from the beginning. It's always been Rachel. And it always will be.

* * *

"_When I wake up, the dream isn't done  
__I want to see your face and know I made it home  
__If nothing is true, what more can I do?  
__I am still painting flowers for you."_

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! And if you could leave a review, I'd really appreciate it (:**


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